Coast One

I thought for the past two days on how I’ll write about Ryan’s death. Rather than allow my brain to just send words to my fingers and through the keyboard…raw emotion, in my head, works best.

It hurts. It hurts a lot. It hurts to think about it. It hurts to cry. And someone asking me if I’m okay, or saying they’ll be there for me, or telling me how much I’m in their thoughts or prayers…they’re all appreciated, but they won’t bring him back. They may minimalize the feeling of loss for a little while, but the feelings resurface, and so does the pain.

The preliminary emotion, one that bears no simile, metaphor or synonym…it hurts.

WordPerfect is a gift from God.

I finally got around to typing out my letters to send back home. I’ll have to send them out tomorrow, and they should arrive to people’s mailboxes by Monday. Unfortunately, I never got around to finishing them all, and I never got around to getting Kara’s address, so I’ll have to send her letter out a little later than everyone else.

In news that shocked even myself, Darryn actually called me back tonight. I’ve been calling him every night after seven and he usually tells me he’ll call me back. I give up after an hour [impatience] and call him. Tonight, I decided to wait it out. I waited for three hours before he finally called me. It’s nice to know someone takes the time out of their day to give you a ring on the phone.

Darryn’s been spending a lot of time applying for jobs and picking out an outfit for this weekend’s pride events in San Francisco. This weekend, I was supposed to be in Sacramento, but plans got cancelled. I’ll be spending the weekend by myself. I’ve already determined I won’t be calling Darryn this weekend because he’ll be with a friend doing pride stuff in the city. I’m not going to call Jacob, Chris or practically anyone this weekend because I’m sure they’ll be busy with stuff. I’ll need to find something to satiate my time.

I’ve given up calling Jacob altogether. Our calls never last more than ten minutes. It’s because Jacob is tired. I tell him he should go to sleep, so it’s almost like I’m killing any socializing we’d be doing. I know, it’s completely my fault. I shouldn’t be complaining.

Lauren and I had a conversation tonight that I almost wish we didn’t have. It was about Jacob. I don’t like talking about it because a lot of feelings are revived. Feelings I should be leaving behind in El Paso, but feelings I can’t seem to bring myself to leave behind.

The dentist didn’t quite go as bad as I thought it could. After spending about half-an-hour doing some paperwork, I found myself being X-rayed where I thought my tooth had broken. Turns out, nothing was wrong with my tooth. Absolutely nothing. I spent 15 minutes actually sitting in the dentist’s chair. Fifteen minutes.

It was the shortest dental visit I’d ever encountered in my life. I also like how this guy didn’t speak in a condescending tone with me. He just told me to come in for check-ups regularly and basically to do what I needed to do to take care of oral hygiene.

Yeah, I guess I can do that…finally, I left a dental office without feeling belittled by the man in white himself.

Raley’s invited me in today to do some wonderful shopping. Soda is not a commodity in this house, but something that’s enjoyed periodically. I bought a 2-liter of Pepsi Edge [Kara and Michael will remember me saying how much I hated that crap, but drank it anyway during lunch] and a 12 pack of Mountain Dew.

Called Jacob while I was going through the checkout line. A cute guy bagged our groceries. Jacob was coming home from Roswell after spending some time with his grandparents, and therefore didn’t want to talk with me. Last night, I called him and was pre-empted by his boyfriend calling.

Tried calling him tonight and got bumped because he wanted to sleep. Tried calling Darryn all day today, and he’s been busy. He and his room-mate, Heather, went looking at some house. Then, dinner. Then, driving home. When I called him for the last time, he said he was tired. I got off the phone with him. Like I do with Jacob, I ask if they’re sleepy, and if they respond affirmatively, I let them go so they can get some shut-eye. I remain on the other side of the phone line, though, wide awake…wishing for someone to talk with.

And then, there was Oscar.

Today was a rather lazy day, if I say so myself.

Yesterday, I started talking to a guy named Darryn. Darryn and I talked for quite a bit last night, most of it online. He asked me to call him today at two in the afternoon [about half-an-hour after I woke up]. I ended up calling him at half-past two…not a deliberate attempt at being fashionably late, but rather an attempt at waking up before calling him.

I have to say, my mind has been on Darryn practically all day. We’re developing an awesome friendship, and I have a deep interest in him. He says he has a deep interest in me, and calls me cute quite a bit. He’s rather cute himself, and has won over the approval of Kara and Oscar. We share a mutual interest in Fleetwood Mac, Coldplay and Harry Potter [he, actually, takes more of an interest in Harry Potter than I do…I fizzled out after the third movie, fourth book]. Today, I called him as he was looking around for jobs. The second time I called, he was at the beach with some friends [oggling over a puppy]. Tonight, he was doing laundry and some kinda facial thing.

I find when I’m not talking with Darryn, I’m missing him, almost like a lonesome feeling is washed over me. I’m wondering if maybe I’m completely screwed up at the moment. We’re just friends…just friends…keep telling myself that.

He asked me tonight if I’d like to go to Six Flags or something like that…like a date [keep in mind something: He lives in the city, and I live north of it]. I asked him how this was going to happen, and he said he’d come and pick me up and we’d take off. He wants to get together sometime this week…with the disclaimer that “…if I’m into you, and I’m sure I will be, things’ll go great…if not, you’ve made a new friend, but you’ve got that already in me.”

Darryn would make an excellent friend. He and I share a mutual interest in each other, and…well, I feel the interest growing practically every moment I know him. And he feels the same, I know. It’s just…we’re smart enough not to finalize anything, or move too fast. I’m very relaxed being Darryn’s friend, and I know he’s relaxed with me.

Katie’s card came today, with the MSN music download. Perks of being a rep…

Today was the final day of Driver’s Education. Now, I’m at the point where I need to go into the dreaded Department of Motor Vehicles and take my written test [which, I’m hoping, doesn’t have any writing involved other than writing your name, date, addy and circling letters].

When I got home tonight, I worked out with some free-weights [my arms are sore] and realised that since I’ve been in California, I’ve developed biceps. It freaked me out for a few minutes, being someone who hasn’t seen biceps on himself in quite a long time, but there they are.

Took a beautiful photo of a California sunset. I’m hoping to be able to post it soon.

I’ve started wondering if that thing up above [the diploma] was a one-way ticket to depression. I’ve been extremely saddened since leaving my family and friends in El Paso. California can’t make up for Texas in any way. Today during class, I mentioned how I felt uncomfortable walking on the median here because of all the grass [”I’ve always been told not to walk on the grass…not a problem in Texas, since it’s all dirt”], to which people chuckled a little and reassured me that it was okay to walk on it here.

The streets are wider in California also, and there are more lanes of traffic. I’m sure San Francisco won’t yield that problem, but here in small-town up-scale suburbian California, it does. I barely make it across the street…barely. My legs have started hurting when I take my walking spells. I’m wondering if that’s someone up above telling me to knock it off.

Did I mention before that I went to a touch-spa? While I was there, I managed to get ahold of Chris. He had just woken up [at around two in the afternoon, nonetheless]. I talked with him for less than five minutes, then had to hang up because of my hair and nail appointment. Five minutes I sometimes wish I could get back and drown in.

I managed to watch a little bit of the John Mayer documentary “This Will All Make Perfect Sense Someday,” a play-off of the song he wrote by the same name. It told the story of John’s beginning with his album “Room For Squares” and ended with his “Any Given Thursday” show, both things of John’s I treasure to this day…both items that got me projected in this path of music.

And I wonder sometimes how my family will react should I tell them that I’m veering hard out of the political science and broadcast journalism field and heading straight into the field of music. “But you’re so good at journalism…and we need a politician like you in office…” How many people watch VH1 as opposed to C-SPAN? When trying to send a message, what would be a better medium to send it on?

My mind wanders from time to time if I’m living it right.